The Bald Frog and the Wig

Once upon a time there was a frog. This frog was very small and quite bald. He spent his days pining away upon a Lilly pad, crying salty tears into the pond, wishing for a full head of lustrous jet black tresses. One day a little girl, out for a picnic with her parents, wandered off to the pond. She found the frog slumped on his Lilly, sobbing into his reflection in the water.

"Why are you crying little frog?"

He looked up solemnly and sighed, "Can't you see? I have no hair."

"Silly frog," said the little girl, "Frogs aren't supposed to have hair!"

This only caused hairless amphibian to cry even harder. "Why shouldn't I have hair?" He wailed, "You have hair, the coyotes have hair, the bears have hair. Why can't I have hair?"

"Well," contemplated the girl, "I suppose, maybe, that if you had hair, it might weigh you down when you try to swim, and you'd drown."

"If I had hair," sloughed the frog, "I would sit around here on my Lilly all day and show it off!"

"Well, if that is what is important to you, I guess I could give you some of my hair."

"Would you? I mean, could you?" The frog gazed in awe at nothing in particular. "That would be marvelous."

So the little girl went back up the hill to the table her parents were picnicking at and asked her mother if she had brought any scissors. "Why on Earth would you need scissors child?"

"I want to cut some of my hair off to make a wig for the frog at the pond," she replied matter-of-fact.

Her parents chuckled to themselves, exchanging sideways glances. "Honey, I don't have any scissors. Besides, frogs aren't supposed to have hair."

"I know, that's what I said, but he just won't stop crying and whining about being bald. I feel bad so I want to make him a wig."

The little girl's mother looked at her sternly, "Sweety, don't let your imagination get away with you, you know very well that there is no frog at the pond crying about being bald."

The little girl looked her mother square in the eye, "It's not my imagination, I'm telling you, there is a little frog on a Lilly pad at the pond crying and complaining about being bald! I promised him some of my hair, I have to give it to him!"

The parents tossed each other a grave look. "Now, stop telling fibs, come sit down and eat."

"NO!" Cried the little girl, "Why don't you believe me?"

"Sit down I said, enough of your fish stories."

The little girl cried out and quickly ran away from them, down the hill and back to the frog.

"Hey! Where are you going, come back here!" Her mother jumped up and ran after the little girl. When she arrived at the edge of the pond she was horrified at what she saw.

There was a little frog hopping back and forth from Lilly to Lilly crying, "Oh joyous day! I'm going to get hair!" When the mother took in what she was seeing she immediately screamed and fainted, perpetuating a series of events that were quite disturbing.

The paramedics came and tended to the little girl's mother, her father seemed to suffer some sort of mental trauma, the authorities made a call that resulted in the abduction and subsequent seclusion of the frog and little girl for further studies. The authorities have released no further information regarding this situation.

Self Loathing - A Limerick

Oh how I wish I could see my feet!
Down below my great big teets -
Greatly obstructed by the swelling -
Far beneath my great big belly.
Oh how I wish I could see my feet!

Dear God why the mustache?
And why the dimples on my ass?
Did you have to go and give me pimples?
Surrounded by those great big dimples?
But still, oh Lord, a mustache?

Please, nobody look at my hair!
Because, I fear, it's everywhere.
On my face and on my toes -
Down my stomach and up my nose;
It takes days just to wax my hair.

I'm so ashamed of my thighs!
Those jiggly, wiggly, thunder thighs...
If I would just go to the gym;
I'd not only greatly impress him,
I'd rid myself of those big, fat thighs.

Haiku for You

Ate two pounds of soup
Potato, Cheddar, Bacon
No, no gym today

Acrostic Appetite

F leshy
A ppearance
T aboo

Random Free Verse That Doesn't Mean Anything Anymore

racing towards death
may be exciting for some
i don't know why
i feel like
life seems to be speeding up

so slow and even though
the time goes by
i wish we could stay here forever
i
don't want anyone to go

lets just sit here a while
don't go

i think i'm doing well
it won't stop raining
i'm so cold

but no stars are shining
it's black as night
over the hillside

waking up before the sun
dying for a cigarette
haven't had a drop to drink in weeks

paranoid people spilling their guts
secret cover ups
spied on again

like a lab rat
cut off

i don't fit in anywhere
except where i'm needed

happy to do it
there's nobody else

the only way for you to realize
i'm the only one who cares
enough to try

No Joy In Growing Old

hot searing pain, pinching as i wince and stumble -
limping and i whimper
sitting or standing or laying down,
shifting my weight from side to side
to stretch too stiff or weak and cramped -
nerve endings trapped
between tendons and muscles -
crushed and pressured by fat
aching bones, brittle to the touch
a possible hairline fracture to boot?
sighing i try to stifle a cry
as i lower my weight down to the bench

head always aches the ulcer it bleeds
and my anus constricts while i constipate
my mind - my eyes might pop as the hemoroids stretch and burn
oh how they itch!
it drives me mad and it's so sad
to think that if i only took care of myself better
during those years of boozing and drugs and fighting -
they stabbed me you know, tried to kill me,
take my freedom of freedom away while i bled

deafness overbearing stuffy and plugged
my voice sounds like cotton in my mouth -
ala marlon brando -
and my vision spins and shakes, it breaks
my concentration, i stumble as the floor drops out
from underneath me
my hands reach out for something to secure my stability
and balance.
you laugh cause it looks funny
but let me tell you something
there's no joy in growing old

If I Had Never Known You

If I had never known you
Wouldn't care that you're gone
If we were perfect strangers
It'd matter not that you're wrong
If I'd never held your tears
I wouldn't miss your company
If we'd never shared a laugh
I'd laugh that you run from me
But we do know each other
we have shared our smiles
we do have our history
and I've loved you all the while
But if we'd never met
if I only saw you on the street
if we weren't of any relation
I'd say go ahead and shun me
If I didn't care what you thought
and the pain never festered
Or if I could forget the past
it wouldn't matter that you're my sister